I'm a fuckup
Tuesday, Dec. 03, 2002
7:53 a.m.
I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. Greg forgave me for everything, said he wanted me in his life, blah blah blah. We had a wonderful conversation, makeup nookie, and then he invited me to spend the night. And I went home! I felt so distant from him (well, and from myself, too). I was having a tough time with the makeup nookie because I felt so distant. I'm madly in love with him and the sex is usually intensely emotional and satisfying. But last night...felt like college again. It felt like one more random fuck with a guy I didn't care about. I don't want to have those feelings with Greg!!! He's the person I want to marry, he's the person I want to have kids with...but here I go, feeling totally diconnected from him. And even when he asked me to stay the night, I wanted to a little--I wanted his safety, security, warmth, comfort. But I needed to be at home. Why? I don't know. It's not like I have a strong emotional attachment to my house now.
Once I got home & talked to Nik & Chris for a minute, I ran down to my room and broke down. I cried because I'm a fuckup. I cried because Bob hurt me so much. I cried because I don't know how to be in a healthy, non-addict relationship. I cried because I feel so lost and scared in the world of relationships--I'm mortified of spending the rest of my life alone and I'm also scared of losing my own identity within a relationship (which HAS happened before). And then I wanted my "mommy"...not the mom I have now, but the mom I had when I was four or five. The mom I had when I was little could solve any and all problems I might encounter. But that mommy doesn't exist, because 5-year-old Misty doesn't exist. What I really want is for someone to iron me out, make me a good person, straighten my life out, comfort and hug me for several days, and then send me on my way.
Miss One?
Moving On - Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007
I remembered my password - Friday, Jul. 20, 2007
I need someone - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
I miss him - Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006
Possibly the worst weekend of my life? - Sunday, Apr. 16, 2006
