My Abortion
Tuesday, Sept. 03, 2002
5:39 p.m.
This story has been wanting to get out for a few days now, so here it is...
The fall that I was 18, I went away to college. I loved the freedom; I drank a lot & hooked up with far too many random guys! Through one of these random guys, I met a guy named Andy. Andy was 23 then & not even in college, just kind of floating along in life. He & I had a purely sexual relationship--I didn't want anything else, so that I could be free to sleep with other people. However, for a time, I was totally faithful to him. No, I wouldn't say faithful...it's just that I wasn't sleeping with anyone else. Well, while I was only "hanging out" with Andy exclusively, I missed my period. It was late, and then it was later. So my friend, Heather, and I trucked on down to the nearest drugstore & bought a pregnancy test. Trucked back to our dorm & I took it. The test I took first had a line that told you if the test worked, and then several minutes later, another line would appear, alerting to a pregnancy. So I peed on the stick...and the pregnancy line showed up immediately. Followed a few seconds later by the line that showed that the test worked. So, I was soooooo pregnant!!! The test kind of freaked me out, but not totally, since I already knew I was pregnant.
So, what did I do? I was only 2 or 3 weeks & not even far enough along to have an abortion! So, I scheduled one with Planned Parenthood for about 10 days into the future. I also told Andy & he showed up one day & gave me more than half the money I needed (I only asked him to pay half, it was only fair, but I guess he felt so guilty, he managed to cough up more).
Two nights before the scheduled abortion, I had a horrible dream: I somehow ended up at a Catholic abortion clinic (yeah, figure that one out!) in an old Baroque church. The nurses painted crosses on my face that I couldn't wash off. I wandered all over the place, crying crying crying. I woke up so sweaty and shaking and crying! It was awful!
So, on that day, Saturday, December 17, 1994: My friend, Carrie (who was herself 5 months pregnant), picked me up & drove me to the nearby town. Walked me up to the clinic...I had another urine test, they confirmed I was pregnant AGAIN! They gave me some kind of pain medication, and I waited for about an hour. I was called back, counseled for a few minutes by...someone (a doctor? a nurse? I don't remember). It didn't last long because I was very set on my decision & made it perfectly clear.
So, I went into the examining room (procedure room?) & had it done. It was a very weird sensation, both physically & emotionally. I touched my belly button the whole time to calm myself down (a trick I picked up from one of my college friends). Somewhow, it worked. (And that trick still works for me to this day.) Afterwards, I rested in a recovery room with a few other people. I remember another girl, probably about my age, with long hair & hippie clothes...we shyly smiled at each other in the waiting room & again in the recovery room. Kind of like a kindred soul thing. I have no idea who she was, but I still think of her from time to time.
I was bored after about half an hour, so the nurse let me leave (of course, after making sure I wasn't bleeding or anything). Carrie & I drove back to my dorm & fell asleep together on my tiny little bed for about 3 hours.
We woke up in the evening & drove down to her grandmother's house. Her grandmother knew everything that I was going through & was very supportive. She cooked for me & let me sleep in her guest room all weekend. And let me lay around on the couch for 2 days. It was so nice & wonderful...Carrie, her sister Kim, and their Grandma June were so fantastic that weekend...they let me recover, both physically and emotionally.
Carrie (or was it Kim?) brought me back to my dorm on Sunday night. Then, I packed for going back home for Christmas break.
On Monday, my mom picked me up and brought me back home. I didn't tell her anything about the abortion...and I still haven't, 8 years later. Sometimes, I want to, but it never quite feels right.
I boxed up my emotions for about 6 months and the following summer, I spent about 4 hours crying and feeling guilty, pouring out everything to my new boyfriend. And since then, I have been fine. I still feel that it's the best decsion I ever made.
And what of Andy? He moved to Illinois when I was home on Christmas Break. He called me once in March of the following year & left a message. And I have not heard from him since. I often wonder what happened to him. Mind you...he didn't just run away & abandon all responsibility. I was the one who pushed him away. He wanted a serious relationship; I didn't. We fought about it several times prior to the abortion. I never loved him or anything & I never wanted anything more from him. I just wonder about him, where his life has taken him.
And, yes, I often play the "what if" game. What if I had had the baby? What if Andy had stuck around? I don't know...I'd be such a different person than I am today...
Miss One?
Moving On - Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007
I remembered my password - Friday, Jul. 20, 2007
I need someone - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
I miss him - Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006
Possibly the worst weekend of my life? - Sunday, Apr. 16, 2006
