Chocolate Cake
Sunday, Dec. 01, 2002
1:40 p.m.
Oh, I absolutely hate weekends these days. Greg & I always argue on the weekends. And it just gets bad.
Anyway, here's what has happened:
On Friday morning, I woke up in Greg's bed & he wasn't there because he had to work. I was feeling a little rough and blah, so I went to the library and then came home and laid in bed all day, reading. Eventually, I headed up to Greg's & took him out to dinner at the Macaroni Grill. I think he was a little uncomfortable because he's a truck stop kind of guy, but I made him go & I was paying, so how could he complain? Plus, I had to get him "prepped" for my dad & Holly's visit next weekend. Those are the types of places they take me. So, afterwards, we wandered around Borders and I found a few cool books, but nothing worth buying. Then we went back to his house & laid in bed & read (him: my copy of "Lasher", me: "The Corrections").
Saturday, we ran up to the grocery store & he bought breakfast stuff and cooked breakfast for me, him, Mikey, and Mikey's son. The whole house smelled like a diner--a mix of coffee, french toast, sausage, and home fries. Now my coat still smells like it and it's absolutely revolting. For the rest of the day, we again laid in his bed & read. Then, we drove up to Catonsville to pick up his daughter. She was super-crabby & sick and we brought her back down to my house (because his house is absolutely unsuitable for a 2-year-old) and she cried and cried and cried and begged for her mommy. So, we drove her back home. Then, we came back to my house and Greg was in a funk. I tried to comfort him, etc, but what could I really do? I was not the cause for him being hurt and nothing I could do would make him feel better. So we cuddled and then got into a stupid-ass argument about NOTHING!
And then, I hit him. Not hard (since I have no strength), not in a tender spot (his back), but I hit him. This is horribly unacceptable to both him and me. And at this point, I feel totally at fault, ashamed, and frightened of myself. I'm still so angry at Asshole and I really need to get some professional help to work through this. I have (and have always had) anger and rage issues that need to be dealt with, because my anger appears in very inappropriate forms at very inappropriate times.
So, Greg left & took a taxi back to his house. He called me at about 1 AM to let me know he was home. I called him back & asked if I could see him and he said yes. So, I drove over to his house & we stayed up until 4 in the morning, talking. There was no make-up nookie, because he's still angry at me. We resolved everything--the inadequacy he feels at being a part-time father, the constant miscommunication between us, the things we regard as "norms" because of our different upbringings that are really not norms and are actually quite different--except for my inappropriate violence. But, at this point, I think he's totally stuck in his own head & he's not going to be able to resolve this on his own. But, at the same time, he needs to be the one to resolve this. It is SO out of my hands at this point.
So, I stayed the night with him and we cuddled some during the night while we slept (which is never a bad thing) and I left this morning with nothing more resolved. I went to the grocery (and spent less than $30 for the week! What the fuck?!?!?!) and came back here & have been chillin with Nik & her man, Chris. It's been cool hanging out with them and talking about how work sucks, getting high, how young he is (21!!!!), how people are morons, and NOT think about how I fucked up everything with Greg. Oh, and then Misty called while I was hanging with them, and she was looking for Greg. I told her we were fighting and I didn't know where he was (true, since when I pulled away from his house this morning, he came out & started up his truck) & then she asked if I was okay, etc. Yes, of course I'm okay, but why would she ask me that? She treats me so positively & I'm wary of that--I'm wary of her motives. She's trying to butter me up...and for what? They're still married & can't even start getting divorced until January because the state of Maryland blows ass when it comes to mandatory separation periods. So, does she have good intentions? Like, she knows I'll (hopefully) be in her daughter's life for a long time and she wants to have an open relationship? Or does she want to take anything I say & use it against Greg (or me)? I don't know, so I play my cards close to my hand when dealing with her.
So, now, I am going to be pissy all day and eat some chocolate cake, dammit! And that's what I'm allowed to do, because I'm a fucking grown-up and I'm pissed off at men (both Asshole Bob and Greg) and people suck! And I need professional help! So, here I come, chocolate cake!!!
Miss One?
Moving On - Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007
I remembered my password - Friday, Jul. 20, 2007
I need someone - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
I miss him - Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006
Possibly the worst weekend of my life? - Sunday, Apr. 16, 2006
