This Sucks

Sunday, Jan. 23, 2005
3:10 p.m.

I'm so sad and crying and I'm not sure why.

It feels like Greg has been attacking me all weekend. I'm sure if you ask him, he'll say he hasn't been, but it sure feels like it to me. The last thing he said, which made me cry, was, "You don't know where your purse is? I thought you always knew where your purse was, even when you're asleep." And I think his tone was neutral...I'm not sure. It felt like such a barbed attack, like, "You're not your normal rational self today and I can't deal with you." That's what it felt like he said to me.

It also feels like Star has been extremely whiney all weekend. Sure, all 4-year-olds whine, but I have never been around such a whiney brat. I know that everyone at her other house responds to it, so she keeps using it. Then she comes over here and tries the same tactics and they annoy the piss out of me. Ugh! I swear, I better not have whiney children. Plus Star talks too much (like all extroverts, those freaks), which is exhausting. Like, mentally exhausting. And I hate how she prefaces EVERYTHING with, "You know what?" Argh! Just say it, you don't have to add another sentence at the beginning!!! So, I've been a smartass and answered her with, "Chicken butt. You know why? Chicken thigh." And then she totally forgets what she was going to say. She also forgets about chicken butt, like every time I say it, it's something new. So, "you know what" must be something she doesn't even think about, just says. You know, extroverts do that.

I feel so inward-facing now. Which is, of course, insanely appropriate for me, what with having a week of contractions and being a week from my due date. But it feels like they are both so OUTWARD-focused right now. I feel so fucking lonely, emotionally. I don't expect Star to be where I am, but I sort of expect Greg to be. Really, I just want my mom...I'm not sure I'll ever get a man to understand how I feel right now.

I think I understand why some societies exclude men, even the father, from childbirth. A man can only be so helpful. He just cannot do it all; he's not capable of it.

I think I'm going fucking crazy. I don't want to be pregnant anymore. I want this baby out of me. I want to get the labor over with. I feel like the longer I wait, the weaker I'll become. And then I'll make crappy decisions, like getting an epidural, getting pitocin, getting a c-section. I feel like my steel will is withering away. I'm so anxious and frustrated that I can't do anything to make this happen!

And, dammit, I just wish that everyong would get on the same page as me. I'm about to birth a whole new person; so I think our home life ought to revolve around that fact. I'm feeling very fucking selfish. And rightfully so!!!!!!!!

3:32 PM

Wow, as soon as I wrote all that, Greg came back into the house (he and Star are at a birthday party around the corner) and was the perfect husband again. I keep feeling like I mis-speak/mis-type in this diary. As soon as I bitch about something, it gets fixed. Well, not totally. I'm not annoyed by him anymore, but I still feel like a 9-months-pregnant-crazy-woman. In fact, the mother of the girl having the party asked Greg, "Where's your wife?" And he said, "She's crazy and due in 8 days." And all the women were like, "Oooooohhhh." That made me feel better...I'm not the only freak. Apparently, all pregnant women are crazy.

So, since things tend to resolve themselves as soon as I write about them in here, maybe I should start bitching about how I don't have a million dollars?

past - future

Miss One?

Moving On - Wednesday, Sept. 05, 2007
I remembered my password - Friday, Jul. 20, 2007
I need someone - Thursday, Apr. 20, 2006
I miss him - Tuesday, Apr. 18, 2006
Possibly the worst weekend of my life? - Sunday, Apr. 16, 2006

baby gaga